Adulthood

When does adulthood happen?
When do we decide to treat others as we want to be treated?
When is the golden rule, golden?
When you're married to one person for years, you overlook certain things, love was one, I never thought maturity would be another.

I thought I knew this person. Helga Ann. She kept my mind and person busy. I never had enough time to think of how she acted. I always though I was the odd one. The one that never grew up. The selfish one.

Until one day a long time ago, I had a "step back" moment. I stepped back and saw the most immature woman I never knew. This immaturity would manifest itself into an ugly version of a 15 yr old scorned little girl losing her boyfriend.

This little girls scorn, is affecting her children, not her ex. Instead of understanding like an adult, she instead is pouting and exclaiming she doesn't understand what happened.

If she would drop the victim act and understand people grow and some grow into adulthood while others remain a sloth and stay a child. Helga Ann would then flower into a true adult. I see this as an unlikely outcome. Why? Because in a person who can never see themselves, truly see themselves, no growth can be achieved.

When did I grow, have I? Yes I have. I have accepted my life and grown from my ordeal of over the past 25 years. I am an adult. I know my children are factors, they are my responsibility.

When I realized my wife (yea right) was the immature one, I was the adult. I knew that I had had enough. Enough of making excuses, excuses for her actions. I needed to find my partner. My Sunshine, My Love. My Daria.

I found my Love, my Partner, my Darlin. Daria is perfect for me. She is as mature as I am. As fun as I am. So incredible is my Daria, I would have never thought in a hundred years I would have found her.

She is my partner, my sweetheart, my darlin, my Daria.

So, I think the moral of this blog is that adulthood is awesome when shared with an adult, not a child pretending to be an adult.

Being Loved

Since I was able to understand what love was, I searched for it. I was married at the time. I searched for love even though I thought love was supposed to be in my house. You can understand my confusion when my wife told me in one breath that she loved me and in the next told me she didn't know how to love me. So for years I buried my love deep down inside. I told myself that I wasn't worthy of my perfect love. I withdrew.

Over the years of my marriage I had multiple affairs searching for my perfect love. The affairs never ended in the love I was craving, the other women only ever wanted sex. I wanted total complete submission to love, they wanted hot casual sex. Don't get me wrong, I want hot sex too, but I want the deep love and passion and commitment. I am searching for a partner in all aspects of a relationship, not just for sex. The worst part was that after these women submitted to me they rejected me also. After these rejections I groveled my way back to the one person who showed me little love, but at least my dead shell of a man had a home to come back too. My exploits only compounded my prison of loneliness.

I would look at other relationships, couples who seemed happy, women who seemed loving, and wish I was their husband. I knew the kind of love I wanted, I wanted kissing, touching, caressing. I wanted to be my partner's champion. I wanted this person to look at me and say, "I Love You." I wanted someone to hold on to me at night and touch me while I slept. I kept all these desires buried deep inside until I couldn't take it anymore.

Recently I left my wife and family. My plan was to search for this unattainable love that I thought I would never find. For years I prayed for someone to love me. I just wanted to be cherished. I've had sex, I've had my wild times. I wanted a partner.

My lovely sweet Lord answers prayers. One day he put it in my heart to answer a cry for help. I helped a friend who I had not seen in many years. When I saw her I knew. I knew that this was my partner. The Lord made me understand how reluctant she would be, I had to open her heart. I had to be patient, wait for her to understand that I am trustworthy.

To my surprise the Lord was working on her heart to. She is perfect for me. She is my queen. She is my breath. She is my partner.

So, the moral to this story. No matter how long you suffer the Lord, never give up.
The Lord answers prayer.

Last Night 04/11/2010

Brief history of the name of the blog and who I am.

My name is Andrew Clem. I have been and accomplished many things. I have been a carpenter, a factory worker, a father, a Marine for 20 years and now I am studying to become a teacher. I was married for 25 years and I have 5 great children. I have recently removed myself fom my marriage. I removed myself because, if I had continued in that relationship I would have not been the father, my children knew and loved. My wife (Ann) and I had grown apart. She couldn't give me the passion I needed to survive. She was and is incapable of understanding me. To those who feel the need to express, "Oh, you will go back". All I can say is that 25 years to another person is everyday. In a happy relationship the couple are together and live and breath for each other. My marriage had some of that, but I filled in a lot of it myself.

A brief glimpse into an, "I need passion" moment, I am crying, sitting on our bed, I tell her I need her to love me. She says others can love me better than she can. Ta Da. This happened at least every other month.

We hung in there a long time, me making things work and her thinking it was working. I created my problem. I knew that in time I would be unfaithful to her, living in the same house with her, so I decided to remove myself and start over.

I know what I want from a woman. Partnership. Someone who will cherish me. Someone who, when I try and explain how I listen to God, doesn't look at me like I have a horn growing out of my head.

This blog is not about finding that woman. I have found her. The person I have found is amazing. The next step is to slow down and enjoy it.